In the previous blog post, I mentioned that sometimes it seems as though there is a theme or a pattern to the events in our lives that have moved us away from our blueprint. It often feels like there’s nothing we can do to change it, but that’s simply not true!
Reflecting, journaling, and/or praying about what your pattern might be can be very helpful, but breaking that pattern or cycle and bringing clarity and truth to the distorted version of your blueprint is an important step in the process of true transformation.
Diagram of a Negative Pattern
When a negative event occurs, we can choose to agree with one of two perspectives: God's truth about the event or lies that we know can't be true, but they feel true, and so we believe them.
If we believe the lies, we then often find ways to comfort and protect ourselves from the thoughts and emotions created by the negative event.
Often, we anticipate responses from others, and we react before we can be hurt again. Then, the very thing we're trying to avoid is exactly what happens again, and the pattern repeats itself. When this pattern continues multiple times over months or years, it gains strength in our minds, which is why the pattern is difficult to break.
Let me share a personal example.
Negative event: When I was in middle school, my best friend and I were placed in different classes and rarely saw each other during the school day. Because we spent so little time together, she made new friends. We tried to maintain the friendship, but it was difficult. I didn’t have much in common with the new people she was spending time with, and so, we drifted apart, and I felt abandoned.
Two Perspectives (Lies or Truth): The lie "I'm not worth sticking around for" crept into my mind. At first, I didn't want to believe that about myself. It just couldn't be true, and I tried to ignore it. However, as time passed, my circumstances only further cemented that lie because my friend was no longer my friend, I felt rejected and alone, and I began to believe that the lie was true.
Ways we comfort/protect: Feeling lonely is painful, and in my efforts to avoid that discomfort, I promised myself that I’d never let anyone get close to me again. I wouldn’t trust the next person as much as I’d trusted my former best friend because what if a new friendship ended the same way? I didn’t want to feel that level of discomfort again. Without understanding what I was really doing and so that I could prevent the pain of rejection, I decided to “pre-reject” others before they could hurt me first.
Responses from others: New friends did come along, but they could sense my reluctance to trust them because I had built a protective wall around my heart with my promise of “I will never let anyone get that close to me again.” I was unknowingly keeping people at arm’s length, and new friends felt the distance I kept between us. Based on my actions and reactions, they began to believe that I really didn’t want to be friends, and so they withdrew from me.
The very thing I didn’t want - to be rejected again - was exactly what was happening again because of the ways I was trying to comfort and protect myself. And so, once again, friends rejected me, which led to other (very similar) negative patterns. And the cycle continued. (This wasn’t the first time I’d felt rejected by a friend, and unfortunately, it wasn’t the last time either. But those are stories for another time!)
Breaking the Pattern
Breaking the pattern is easier than you think! And it requires far less effort from you than you may realize.
Unfortunately, negative events will continue to occur in our lives, but we can begin to make significant changes in our thought process during and/or immediately after those negative events. We can catch them before they form a pattern, and rather than perpetuating the pattern by believing lies about the event, ourselves, or others, we choose to return to our blueprint. We ask God for His perspective and to act as an interpreter for us. We believe His truth instead of lies.
We can invite God into this process, and He can be our source of comfort and protection. We are capable of accomplishing so much on our own, but when we invite God into every detail of our lives, His presence is what truly heals, transforms, and restores us. After all, God is the TRUE source of comfort and protection!
When we live from a place of authentic change and healing and we interact with others from that place in us, they will no longer be responding to our brokenness or our wounding. We can be connected to others in healthier ways because we are a healthier, truer version of ourselves.
Breaking negative patterns is just one way - but a significant way - that we can get back to the blueprint that God designed for each of us. Recognizing the hurtful events that have led to negative patterns of thought and behavior, inviting God to heal those painful moments, getting back to the blueprint, and living from the restored version of yourself is one of the most precious gifts you can give to yourself - and to those you’re in relationship with.
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