The variety of ways doubt creeps in continues to surprise me, and I’m not sure why. It’s happened so many times, and I’ve kicked it out so many times. Yet, when it shows up again (as it continues to do), it’s as if I wasn’t expecting it and am caught a little off guard.
One reason this happens is because I find myself being lulled into a false sense of security. I don’t mean security is absent in my life - because it isn’t. I mean that I find myself searching for security in things that can’t actually offer it. I know security doesn’t reside in my bank account balance, the amount of food in my refrigerator, or the number of appointments on my calendar, but from time to time, I find myself looking to all of those things to help me feel more secure.
Those things are not bad or unhealthy, but they will only disappoint when I’m asking them to fill a place in my life they were never designed to occupy.
Another way to see it is that none of those things can truly tell me who I am. None of those things are indications of my self worth or value. They are details about my life, and one can choose to measure “success” or “failure” by them, but they will never be accurate reflections of my true identity. And when I ask one (or all) of them to tell me who I am, I will always be disappointed.
One recent morning, I was noticing a bit of emotional heaviness. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but I stayed curious about it rather than dismissing it. As I allowed the feeling to rise to the surface, I realized I was believing things about myself that aren’t true because I was clinging to false sources of security and identity. The message that played through my mind was, “You’re not actually making a difference.”
This message rears its ugly head often. Not always in those same words but in similar ways such as:
You should be further along by now.
You’re dropping the ball.
You have nothing to offer.
For example, a few months ago, the thought that kept running through my mind was, "I should be further along by now."
It's incredibly frustrating. Especially when it’s more subtle. When it’s big and obvious, it feels easier to identify and do something about it. When it’s subtle, it feels sneaky - even insidious. The effects can sometimes go unnoticed for a long time, but there are still effects.
Honestly, it makes me angry that I can still be so profoundly affected by something I know to not be true. It makes me feel like…I should be further along.
WHAT?
What an annoying, vicious circle!
But I choose to see this as evidence of growth.
Wonder why?
As I said, this thought popped up a few months ago and again a few days ago. And it’s not something that I think is ever going to completely disappear because as I actually do move further along, this same message is going to continue to try to convince me that I’m not growing and changing and that things will “always stay the same.”
It really clicked for me when this simple statement came to mind the other day: “you’re here, so you can’t be there.”
I hadn’t even realized I’d been feeling “less than.” Obviously, I was feeling as though being “here” wasn’t enough and that I needed to be “there.” Don’t we all find ourselves at times wishing we were “ahead” of where we currently are? Whether it’s job-related, about a relationship we’re in (or wish we were in), or any other facet of our lives, the idea that we are undoubtedly “behind” and we need to be further along or moving faster creeps in. This is all an attack on true identity, and when we look anywhere other than the true Source of Life to tell us who we are, we’ll continue to strive to be “there.”
But I’m here. You’re here. And here is exactly where you need to be and where I need to be, too. I don’t mean we don’t set goals or have aspirations. But needing to “move faster” or be “further along” is such a trap! Not only is it not true, but it robs us of the joy and pleasure of being present right where we are. Here.
Take a moment to breathe, look around, take in your current surroundings, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings…here. You may find that here is a lovelier spot to be than it first appeared.
Feel like you need a little help being here? I’m happy to talk with you about that or anything else that’s on your mind! Send me an email or schedule some one-on-one time with me. And consider subscribing to my blog where I post lots of helpful suggestions on how you can begin (and continue) this journey of recovering your blueprint!
I love this and so relate to those thoughts and lies! I struggled with that a lot last year and it is still trying to creep in...thank you for sharing!